Finally --- Time To Be Sad

It will soon be 2 months since John died. To tell you the truth, I have not had time to be sad, other than the usual reminders each and every day that I am alone now. First, there were the arrangements to make, the tombstone to finish engraving, the endless records that had to be changed and places alerted to the change in our family. Next was the chance to rent this wonderful apartment, but it had to be immediately. I was not exactly in the best place to take on such a project but necessity dictated that there was no time to wait. This snowballed into having to sell or store vehicles, sell the mobile home, sell the endless piles of "stuff" that were no longer needed or that had to go because of downsizing. Not to mention the actual moving process. I bought a two wheel cart, and, load by load I moved my things over and put them away. By the 10th of November I had more in the new place than I had in the old place and it was time to leave 4412 E Mulberry #228. It was a sad feeling to shut the door and start living in a new place. My home for over 21 years was now just a memory. I was fortunate to find a buyer for the mobile home and will relinquish the keys on November 30th. So at this point I have moved, sold, given away or thrown away a household full of "stuff". Also the house itself!!

Now, I finally have time to give in and be sad. One of the last things John said to me was, "You have to have grit." This evening I gave in and said, "To heck with grit, I am going to feel really sad." I think it is a part of being human to need to feel sadness when there is a legitimate reason to do so. I drove to the nursing home where John died and sat there and remembered the last few days we spent there. I then drove to some of the places we used to drive to on our evening trips. I went past our old home on Mulberry. I looked at the beautiful sunset over the foothills and thought of all the times we shared that beautiful sight. I thought of the times that our only problem was where would we ride our Harleys the next weekend. I thought of the places we DID ride to and the great feeling of freedom we both needed so badly. The last days were especially hard on John because he could not be free.

It helped me put things into the right perspective. It helped me realize that what is important at this time is my memories. Whatever other problems I may face, they are insignificant in the broader scheme of things. Yes, grit is necessary most of the time, but today I needed to feel sad, and finally had the time to do that. The science of grieving is not exact and each if us has our own unique way of doing that. Writing on this blog is my best therapy -- always has been and always will be. Over and out. patj